Ted Haggard never listened to King Missile

Gordon McDowell February 6th, 2009

Politicians and preachers who spend too much of their time worrying about homosexuality are probably gay. If you don’t think that’s true, then you are:

  • A politician who spends too much time worrying about homosexuality.
  • A preacher who spends too much time worrying about homosexuality.
  • Gullible.

It used to be, back in the good old day, you could find an honest homophobe kicking around. Worrying about the landing strips citizens of Des Moines might be building for gay martians. Good, honest-to-God concerns.

But since “Kids in the Hall”, “Crying Game” and would you please stop having gay sex for just 5 minutes “6 Feet Under”… outside those who depend on politics or religion for a steady income, its hard to find anyone who can take the time to get worked up over this stuff. Desensitization starts and ends with the little bit of puke in the back of your mouth when you find out Dil is a dude.

I really thought Larry Craig was about as funny as it could get. Support USA’s Federal Marriage Amendment, then step into the men’s washroom for gay sex, and call it a day. See the conflict there? Ha ha… ha. Yeah, it’s mostly funny ’cause its an airport restroom. Now you know to keep your feet completely still while you crap.

Ted Haggard was only entertaining ’cause I’d already seen him going toe-to-toe with Richard Dawkins regarding evolution. Oh look a gay preacher who claims homos can be cured. That’s new.

And yet today I was surprised by Ted Haggard. Or “Haggard” as we should now call him, lest his coming lectures on the frontiers of sex get confused with “TED Talks” and all hell breaks loose. Today, Haggard’s male prostitute claimed that Haggard had a mold made of his own penis which he used on his wife, and his wife used on Haggard. Haggard called the mold “Ted 2”.

I remember where I was and where I stood when I’d been Goatse’d. Understanding just what human beings are capable of can sometimes knock the wind out of you. But with such shock and awe, invariably comes… respect.

It’s inventiveness like that which put mankind on the moon. What’s that mold growing in the petri dish? Don’t clean it with soap and water, drop that mold on some bacteria oh look you discovered penicillin! Hey I’ve got this erection, why don’t we slap some of that plaster you got kicking around oh look I made a mold lets make a replica and insert it in my own anus.

Or perhaps we can illuminate a thin plate with two parallel slits cut in it! Oh look an interference pattern… I guess there are multiple universes!

Years from now, when nuclear fusion is powering our electric grid, someone will ask the inventor how it occurred to him to effectively contain the high-energy plasma. The inventor will glance away mumbling “I simply knew we needed to fold the plasma back into itself”, his face flushing red. “I got the idea from… somewhere…”

Ted 2. God bless you Ted Haggard.